I watched way too many episodes of Private Practice this evening. I saw a child lose his mother, a daughter stabbed by her sister and a baby in utero with no brain… Among other things. Then, before brushing my teeth, I went to go check on my kids as they slept. (I swear Alex has a sixth sense when I enter the room… The kid always stirs and I have to run out before he catches me staring at him.) Anyway, looking at every peaceful face made me so thankful. It also reminded me of how fragile life was.
A few posts ago, I talked about how being a Mom has made me a better person. I forgot something very important in that list… I have realized that I am not invincible. I can’t just go through life thinking that bad things won’t happen to my family and I. Life can change in an instant.
Before kids, I felt like I could get out of most anything. I drove a little too reckless sometimes; partied a little too hard other times. If I realized I forgot to lock the door while already in bed, I would leave it unlocked. I often didn’t think about others while acting and broke relationships. Luckily, my children have made me aware of how much there is to lose and now, I get up and lock the door. You just never know.
What I’m not saying is that I’m perfect… I still do and say stupid things. I lose my patience and well, I stay up late and watch too many episodes of dramatic TV shows. I am saying that I am now paranoid. But, in a good way. In a way that makes me want to jump for joy that I have it so awesome and want to do everything in my power to keep this life we are living the same.
This is so cliche, but I am becoming my Mother. If I could kick my 17 year old ass and tell her a few things I would. One would be to respect her Mom because all of the “annoying” worry and concern was just out of the love induced paranoia that I feel now. (Thanks Mom for caring so much and I’m sorry for being trouble sometimes.)
So, thank you God for giving me these beautiful children, my own roof over my head, a loving (and funny! and smart!) fiancé. You have turned me into a paranoid Mom, which I also thank you for. You put the fear in me and I needed it!!